Orla Gartland Does Not Belong Here

By Kate Teves

I’ve been hosting pretend debates in our pretend conference room with our pretend marketing team.

I’m trying to convince them that even though Orla Gartland’s “Between My Teeth” video is revolting, it still has a home here at Toaster Tongs.

But Chad, loudly sucking up the last drops of a kale shake, is interrupting me. “Ms. Teves, with all due respect, the animation is terrible,” he says. “The video looks like it was done by my dog after a night out drinking.”

Chad is right, but Chad’s dog is a poodle who goes to sip-and-paint parties every weekend and could outdraw any of us.

I refuse to give in. “I don’t care,” I respond resolutely, knowing this do-or-die moment will appear some day in my Wall Street Journal profile. “This song is so incredible that nobody will give a rat’s petunia that the video sucks! They’ll think the artwork is ironic.”

Madison shifts in her chair. “It bears remembering, Ms. Teves: we’re not a music site.”

“But we don’t actually know what we are,” I respond.

There is a funereal pause.

Finally Chad mutters, “That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you for weeks.”